For 28 years, I thought I had anxiety. Turns out, it was ADHD. Unfortunately, misdiagnosis is the same for millions of women. For us, ADHD looks just different enough to throw most people off the scent. Forgetful? Overwhelmed? Distracted? Can’t get yourself to do things you need to do? You sound anxious. You sound depressed. You sound like a ragged mom.
Because of this, ADHD is missed in 50-75% of women. It’s often called anxiety, depression, and even OCD, among other things. Women don’t often discover their ADHD until they have a kid who gets diagnosed and, in reading the symptoms, life suddenly makes sense.
Related: 6 Inaccurate Labels that Disguise ADHD in Women
You add in that most of us with ADHD, also have a comorbid anxiety and depressive disorder and that’s all she wrote. We’re given that diagnoses and antidepressants are tossed our way. Which, spoiler alert, may help with the comorbid symptoms but does a big whopping nothing for the overwhelm, forgetfulness, distractibility, etc…
Until the age of 28, that was me. Overwhelmed, messy, forgetful, zoned out half the time, and totally thinking I was the poster child for anxiety. My doctors and therapists agreed. Then I hit a crisis: I had 4 major projects coming up that I couldn’t seem to complete. The consequences were going to be severe if I didn’t get them done, but every time I thought about any of it, I’d start panicking and shut down.
I was so lucky that my primary care doctor understood ADHD, because most doctors don’t have the greatest handle on the struggle. She wasn’t blinded by me calling it “anxiety” and sent me for an ADHD evaluation. Life changed in such a positive way after that.
Now, I’ve gotten pretty good at helping other women discover that they have ADHD. When I got the right treatment, my entire life was different. If you’ve been frustrated that your current treatment isn’t working, keep reading.
Because THIS is what it looks like to be a woman with undiagnosed ADHD.
ADHD Misconceptions Make Misdiagnosis Worse
Unfortunately people, including many doctors and clinicians, have some bad ideas about what ADHD is and isn’t. I’ve heard it all.
You can sit still? You don’t have ADHD.
You remembered this appointment? You can’t have ADHD. (Nevermind that not everyone struggles with forgetfulness in the exact same way.) You were on time to this appointment? Definitely not ADHD. (It’s like they don’t know Time Blindness can affect us in different ways, not just with being late).
Related: The Truth about ADHD and Time Blindness
You’re a woman? Women can’t have ADHD. That’s just a little boy thing. (I kid you not, some people actually believe this)
You did well is school? You can’t have ADHD. Straight You were a straight A student? Graduated Summa Cum Laude? No possible way you have ADHD. (PS I did and I definitely do)
You’re an adult? Adults don’t have ADHD. They grow out of it as children. (We literally learned this wasn’t true in the 1990s. Why some doctors still believe it is beyond me.)
You can pay attention to your video games for hours? You can’t have ADHD. (They’ve clearly never heard of the interest based nervous system or hyperfixation)
Related: 7 Ways ADHD Actually Gets Worse for Adults
When doctors believe this stuff, is it any wonder most of us continue on undiagnosed? To make matters worse, even if they will concede that your symptoms sound like ADHD, heaven help you if you also have a comorbid anxiety disorder:
“The Anxiety is more important to treat” (Nevermind that ADHD usually causes a lot of the anxiety and treating it often improves our anxiety).
“The ADHD meds will make your Anxiety worse” (It’s possible, sure. But research shows that stimulants often lower our anxiety, especially if the anxiety is related to the ADHD).
“You can’t be on stimulants AND antidepressants” (Says who? Literally millions of people are on both. They aren’t contraindicated. I have no idea why some doctors think this, but I’ve personally heard it at least twice).
The Unofficial ADHD in Women Checklist
The undiagnosed ADHD woman wears many faces, but she often has a combination of the struggles listed below (and more). This is my unofficial ADHD in women checklist where, rather than listing the DSM symptoms, I show you what they look like in all of their frustrating, feminine glory. The more of these that ring hauntingly familiar in a daily kind of way, the more likely you might have ADHD. Of course, you can always take the ADHD Test for Women, too, for more information.
She’s in a constant state of overwhelm trying to manage the details of everyday life.
It’s like feeling disorganized mentally, emotionally, and physically and she often thinks of herself as lazy, crazy, ditzy, or stupid. Overwhelm is a huge issue within ADHD and often shuts us down from even small things we need to do, like the dishes. Do you know how embarrassing it feels to admit that a pile of dishes is so completely overwhelming you may or may not be able to get yourself to do them?
Yes? You might have ADHD
I like to tell people that those of us with ADHD are always walking a tightrope between Overwhelm and Boredom and it’s hard to tell which is worse when you’re always falling off one side or the other. Both can shut you down, unfortunately.
Side note: when you’ve got ADHD, you often feel like you don’t have enough motivation and THAT’S why you can’t get your to-do list done. Sometimes that’s true, but most of the time, what we call “UNMOTIVATED” is actually just cleverly disguised “OVERWHELM”.
If you struggle with this, you need to check out this post. Readers have called it their handbook and/or roadmap for ADHD and getting out of that frozen place of overwhelm to get things done.
She’s likely to zone out, even in the middle of an important conversation.
It often hurts people’s feelings when you have to ask them to repeat something they just told you. I really don’t want that but often feel powerless to prevent my mind from bouncing off. So I developed strategies to cover my symptom. We’ll talk more about that in a minute.
People tell you to just “focus” or “pay better attention.” In reality, that looks a lot like chanting to yourself over and over to pay attention only to realize you were so caught up in reminding yourself, you missed what was just said. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
For the ADHD Woman, trying to manage her thoughts is like playing wack-a-mole.
It often feels like you doesn’t have control over where your thoughts go or when they leave. The day dreaming sounds lovely, and sometimes it is. Like when you’re waiting for that appointment you showed up 30 minutes early to in order to make sure you weren’t late and now you have nothing to do while you wait. Perfect time for daydreaming.
While driving? Not so much.
And the random thoughts like, “I wonder how far a monkey can smell a banana…” are fun, they aren’t the only random thoughts your ADHD brain likes to get lost in. Sometimes it’s rehashing what it would be like to get the worst news of your life and end up so out of your mind with grief you wind up frying to death in the sub-saharan sun when you live in balmy North Carolina and have never even stepped on that side of the pond and have no current plans to.
All that to say, sometimes the random ADHD thoughts are fun and harmless. Sometimes they are painful with horrible timing. Unfortunately, we don’t have great control over them either way. We push them away, the come back like a boomerang from hell. Hence, the mental wack-a-mole.
And that wack-a-mole makes it difficult for the ADHD woman to function.
The ADHD brain is a place to total chaos, as we’ve established. And since we have little to no control over the wild and whizzing thoughts, it’s like trying to hold down a conversation with someone while other people are constantly interrupting every two seconds. Except the other person doesn’t know that the conversation has been interrupted so they keep talking and you get more and more lost.
It’s like trying to think through all the things you need to get done today but your inner five year old is screaming random song lyrics at you and bouncing around your mental walls like their on the worst sugar high of their lives, trying to figure out the secrets of the universe. You try getting something done with that kind of mess going on inside.
Oh, you’re in a work meeting and need to be paying attention? No. The dry wall is peeling and there’s a water stain on the ceiling that might be from that leak last week but wouldn’t it be hilarious if that was where Lisa’s toddler peed the other day and now it’s somehow still dripping down the walls. Can urine cause paint to peel like that?
And just because ADHD is a total murphy’s law kind of experience, you’ll tune back in right after your boss says how important it is for everyone to remember what he just said. You know, the stuff that you missed thinking about Lisa’s toddler’s pee. How do you explain that one?
Related: How to Master that To Do List when You have ADHD
The ADHD women is either forgetting something important, or worrying she is.
The worry she feels is like a vague anxiety without an apparent cause. Just the uncomfortable feeling that something has fallen through the cracks, you’ve forgotten something, or you are missing something so important the sky might cave in on you if you don’t remember it in time. In time for what, you don’t know, but in time. The fate of the world might be resting on that thing you’ve forgotten. Or maybe nothing will happen.
It’s equally possible there IS a thing you’re missing or you aren’t missing anything at all and just thought you were. But either way, now you’re pretty sure there WAS something you’re missing and it’s lost and now the world might be lost, too. Or not. Only time will tell.
You can see why everyone thinks we have anxiety. Because we do. But this kind of anxiety is 100% because of having ADHD. If you through an antidepressant at it, not much is gonna happen.
Somehow, somewhere the ADHD Woman is really messy.
You may look presentable with a matching outfit or a reasonably organized desk at work, but you won’t invite friends to her house without a lot of advanced notice. Why? Because it’s a disaster and she will have to ADHD clean. And she won’t give you a ride without a warning and a lot of embarrassment because her car is even worse than her house.
My file folders at work? Chaos central. I have something like 10,000 unread emails and like 6 notebooks filled with random to-do lists intermixed with “don’t forget” reminders, random doodles, and there’s no telling what else. Everywhere you go, messy seems to follow. It’s like having the Midas Touch, except instead of gold, everything the ADHD woman touches becomes messy. It’s the superpower you never wanted but got cursed with in abundance. Lucky you. Slay, girl (or whatever the middle schoolers are saying these days).
Related: ADHD Friendly Home Organization Strategies that will Change Your Life
The ADHD woman procrastinates. Like, a lot.
She waits until the last minute to start important work because she has to rely on the time pressure to get boring tasks done. Then, in a frenzy, she’ll spend hours doing it the night before. While also trying to make it look like she spent weeks on it.
If you were wondering what I meant by “ADHD cleaning” this is it in a nutshell. It’s the mad rush to get something done at the last minute without it looking like it was done at the last minute…hopefully. We aren’t usually the people that get started early on a project that isn’t due until next month. We’re usually the people who have a month’s notice but don’t even look at it until the night before, then spend all those lost sleep hours in the panicked but productive zone to squeak out a finished product at the last possible second.
We do it because there’s nothing like a rapidly impending deadline to jumpstart motivation. Interest based nervous system from the win.
But that same Woman can hyperfocus on things she’s really interested in.
People think ADHD is JUST an inability to focus, all day, everyday, every situation. But that’s not entirely true. People with ADHD have in interest based nervous system, which in a nutshell means the ADHD brain prioritizes “interesting” above everything else. If the ADHD woman is interested enough in something (and unfortunately this is not entirely within our control anymore than our thoughts are), she can focus on it for hours. Like, to the point of being so totally consumed, people may have to shout to get her attention.
When I’m writing, I get lost in what I’m doing, like so absorbed my husband has had to physically shake me to get me to notice him. I’ve even carried on basic conversations with him without even realizing he was talking to me. Granted, they usually consist of meaningless filler responses from me, like “Yeah, I know what you mean” and “Uh-huh, I get it” and stupid stuff like that, but it happens.
This is usually the thing I hear people point to, to say “See? I/they/she can’t have ADHD. She spends hours playing video games and don’t have a problem paying attention.” Little do they know, they’re actually proving my case. ADHD isn’t inability to pay attention, focus, etc. It’s the inability to REGULATE those things. So we give something way more attention than they deserve, and other things don’t get nearly enough, depending on how interesting the reward part of our brain finds the thing we are doing.
Women are often really good at masking their ADHD symptoms.
With all of these struggles going on, another thing that often delays us getting diagnosed is how well we hide those struggles. And women tend to hide them a lot better than men. There are some upsides to that, but so many downsides too. We’re more likely to judge our difficulties as personal flaws and the shame that makes us feel pushes us to make sure no body else can see how hard the struggle really is. We’re socialized to mask these things, and more likely to ask for help when we need it, which can help us hide things a little easier, but the toll it takes can be astronomical.
Many of us have gotten really good at keeping others from seeing the consequences of our struggle. We do it in a number of ways:
When she can’t keep her attention in a conversation, she does mental gymnastics to make up for it.
Your friend says something important but your brain wandered and now she’s looking at you like she’s waiting for an answer and you really don’t want to admit you weren’t paying attention.
“I’m sorry, I’m not sure I understand. Can you say it in a different way?”
“My brain just isn’t fully grasping what you’re saying. Tell me again.”
“Oh man, that’s a difficult one…what are the pros and cons?” (Yes, I have used that one and sometimes it does help, actually, though it feels pretty risky to start there lol)
“Hmm…I think I need more information. Tell me more.”
These feel like a “choose your own adventure” nightmare, but they’re all ways we try to overcome the consequences of being distracted without letting anybody else know we weren’t paying attention. I’ve used every single one of these.
Sometimes the ADHD woman covers her symptoms in ways that look like OCD.
Forgetfulness can lead to check and rechecking, and then rechecking a few more times for good measure, just to make sure you really did check. I’ve accidentally left my stove on overnight. I’ve accidentally left it on when leaving the house and then come home to find it still on. Now I make it a point to check my stove. And check, and check, and check some more. Why?
The first time I check, I’m often not actually paying attention to the stove at all. Then I realize that I wasn’t paying attention so I go back to check it again.
But this time I only looked at the burners and forgot about the oven. So I go back.
But then I can’t remember if I checked it today or if what I’m remembering was me checking it yesterday, so I go back and check again.
Unfortunately, this time my mind was wandering and I looked at the microwave instead. You get the point…
Side note: when I’m screening someone with this constant checking thing and trying to decide if it’s ADHD or OCD, one of the most important questions I ask for distinguishing between them is, have you ever actually left the stove on? Are you anxious because you’re afraid it might happen or are you anxious because it HAS happened a few times and you’re worried it will happen again? That’s not a perfect determiner of which we’re dealing with, but the vast majority of them time the person with OCD says it’s never actually happened or its only happened once where the person with ADHD has a litany of examples ready and waiting.
ADHD Women are often people pleasers, perfectionists, and creative problem solvers who find ways to skirt by.
I have a theory that for some of us, the anxiety helps us hide the ADHD. But only certain types of anxiety and only maybe certain degrees of it. If you hit the wrong combination, it just makes everything worse. I have learned that I CAN make sure I remember something. I CAN make sure I do something or don’t let something fall through the cracks, but it will 100% be at the expense of something else. Like, my brain can juggle two marbles and I can choose which two marbles it keeps control of but there are like five that will be falling through the cracks. My brain chooses to juggle the things I’m most anxious about which usually involve the things other people will notice.
I will make sure to remember that appointment AND be on time for it because social anxiety is a *beetch ball* (my niece taught me that little dandy and yes, she’s in middle school). But will I forget that today was supposed to be note day when I get home and end up getting another week behind because I forgot? Absolutely, I will. Will I remember to go to the pharmacy on the way home so I have meds for tomorrow? Not likely. But those are the things other people don’t really see, so other than the personal consequences I pay, we’re golden.
We cover how often we lose things by getting really good at finding things, or using devices that help us find them (thank you Tile), or by the use of creative problem solving to replace them. I once lost 4 out of 5 important tax documents the week before tax season was due and managed to replace all 4 of them without anybody knowing. In school, I’d forget to do my homework or accidentally leave it at school, but my teachers never knew because I got good and pretending I was looking for it while I was actually completing the work. I’d turn it in at the end of class and they were none the wiser.
If nothing else, let it be said we are the most creative of problem solvers.
Unfortunately, Both the Symptoms and the Masking Come at a Cost
Exhaustion. Constant anxiety. Overwhelm. She feels it all, all the time.
It’s like walking in stilettos with your arms overfilled with very fragile and valuable objects that are on the brink of falling. At any moment, you’re about to lose something important. While the ways we mask this from the world help protect us from extra shame, it does little to nothing for the anxiety we experience.
Walking around like this is a hard way to live, even if you do a decent job of hiding it from others. There’s still a toll it’s taking, mentally, emotionally and physically.
Related: ADHD and Anxiety: One, the Other, or Both?
It’s like being mentally, emotionally, and physically disorganized.
I tell people that ADHD is a lot like not getting enough sleep. You know that feeling when you’ve gone too many days on like 5 hours of sleep and you can’t hardly think straight, you’re brain feels like a slip and slide and you know for a fact there’s something you’re supposed to do today but your mind is so foggy there’s really no hope of remembering what it is? You’re positive you’re supposed to be somewhere but you aren’t sure where anymore or how to get there or why you’re supposed to go and your emotions are running around your brain like little gremlins you can’t keep up with.
ADHD is like functioning in the headspace all the time. Even if you can hide the signs from the people around you, it doesn’t change the discomfort of how that feels.
And some of the consequences are even more severe
Did you know that teenage girls with undiagnosed ADHD are more like to get pregnant, do drugs, and smoke cigarettes? They’re 4-5Xs more likely to self harm or have a suicide attempt than other girls. As they mature, girls with undiagnosed ADHD tend to have fewer friendships and are more likely to end up in toxic or abusive relationships. Women with undiagnosed, untreated ADHD are more likely to be underemployed, poor, divorced, and struggling with other mental health conditions like eating disorders.
Therapy is often more difficult for a person who can’t focus because every thought feels like it’s on a slip and slide. Trying to manage the chaos leaves her emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. And she judges these challenges as her own personal character flaws. I’m lazy, crazy, ditsy, stupid…
It’s a painful picture that many of us see every time we look in the mirror.
Unofficial ADHD in Women Checklist:
This list is far from comprehensive. You may have noticed it mainly covers the inattentive side of ADHD. To be fair, most undiagnosed women are either Inattentive type or heavy on the inattentive side of the combined type presentation. That’s not always the case, but most often. The boring, DSM version of the inattentive symptoms are making careless mistakes, not listening when directly spoken to, unable to keep focused/easily distracted, poor follow through, trouble wrapping up the final details of a project, organization struggles, frequently losing things, procrastinates starting things that are boring or require heavy concentration, and being forgetful.
This unofficial checklist of ADHD is more practical and gives you a good glimpse of what life with ADHD really looks like. How these symptoms show up on the daily to wreak havoc on your life.
Thankfully, the Right ADHD Treatment Makes a Huge Difference
Those same risks, that bleak picture I just shared, is much less likely to happen when we are properly treated for ADHD. That’s the good news. That’s why diagnosis is so very important.
Getting my ADHD under control was life changing for me. It didn’t take away all of the struggles I have, but it radically changed most of my difficulties and improved the ones that it didn’t fix.
Because of that, I’m a big advocate in helping women find out they have ADHD when it’s been missed.
I’ve had a number of people ask what it’s like to be on ADHD medications. Is it the perfect cure they’re hoping for it? Is it the dark, destructive path or horrors yet untold that everyone warns them about? Well, no. But here are the pros and cons of ADHD meds as I have experienced them, anyway.
Think you Might Have ADHD? Here’s where what to do next:
Take the ADHD Test for Women
Is this sounding familiar? It may be time for you to learn more about the possibility of ADHD. I created this self test to give you a better idea of whether or not ADHD is worth further exploration with your doctor. It’s based on the diagnostic criteria for ADHD but broken down with real world examples of what each symptom looks like in women.
Ready to take the test? Find it here.
Learn More about ADHD in Women
I’ve covered this topic pretty extensively on this blog and will continue to do so. Check out a few more:
Secrets and Signs of the ADHD Woman
When You Aren’t Living up to Your Potential (could it be ADHD?) .
ADHD symptoms As Seen on TV (hilarious!)
I Should Have Known it was ADHD When…
Pick up the Free Guide to Getting Your ADHD Diagnosis
I created this to help you navigate the waters. It covers everything from the symptoms to show your doctor to finding a doctor that might be more ADHD savvy. There’s a part for you to fill out, and a part to show your doctor to help smooth the process. There are even responses to common misconceptions in case you need them.
Find the Diagnostic Guide here:
Connect with me!
Tell me, could you relate here? Have you been diagnosed or suspect you might have ADHD? I’d love to hear from you! Drop me a comment.
And don’t forget to join the Facebook community! You can find it here: That ADHD Life (for Women)
I realize in reading this I must have ADHD …this description fits me exactly. But then you abruptly end the article with a little “the right treatment helps”… well please tell us…what is That? What is the right treatment?
I’m glad you asked! I’ll definitely be writing a follow up article to this post because there is A LOT more to be said. More symptoms. More about treatments. More about how to help with meds as well as outside of meds. That will take me a bit but it’s on it’s way. In the mean time, the short answer for me has been the combination of a stimulant medication and therapy for challenges that I accumulated related to the ADHD that now has an emotional component that I still struggle with–perfectionism, people pleasing, fear of conflict, mostly.
These are my exact struggles. Conflict, people pleasing. Your article describes me so perfectly, it stings. Diagnosed last year at 30!
I hate that for you but am also really glad that I can give voice to the experience we’ve both had! I’m glad you were able to get a good evaluation! And definitely glad that you found your way to the blog–I’m really excited to have you here 🙂
I was diagnosed a handful of years ago, but reading your post here has never more accurately described what I often still feel going on in my head. I’ve ALWAYS and even still chalked up my overthinking/anxiety and constantly feeling overwhelmed to me just being batsh*t crazy. So glad I found your blog ?
I’m glad you found it too!!
I’ve been asking doctors for help with possible ADHD or some kind of learning disability since I was 13 years old, that’s 31 years. I get blown off and dismissed. They diagnosed me with chronic depression. I’ve been on anti anxiety/depression meds for years. It helps a little bit. You described me to a T in your article. Thank you for writting it. I feel like I have more information to take back to the doctor now.
I’m glad to help! Make sure you check out my Guide to Getting an Accurate ADHD diagnosis. It goes through a symptom checklist, tips for finding a doctor who’s knowledgeable about ADHD, and research you can share with the doctor if they have some misunderstandings about ADHD (like girls don’t have it because apparently some believe that!). I hope it helps!
Oh, this is me!!! My daughter was diagnosed a year ago, and as I’m researching it more and more, I am finding myself in the articles! so I built up the nerve to talk to my doctor about it. I wrote a list of all my symptoms and went to the appointment. Half way there I realized I had forgotten the list! Had to turn around and get it and then I had to search for it because I had mindlessly carried it off somewhere that morning. During the appointment, the doctor asked me dozens of questions and decided that I didn’t have ADHD because I had done well in school and finished college. I must just be an overwhelmed mom who can’t say no to things. He tried to convince me that I have OCD instead and that I put too much pressure on myself. He gave me anxiety meds and sent me home. ?. I am trying those meds to see if they do help me, but in the last few weeks, I have forgotten to buckle my toddler before driving, left on the coffee pot and hair straightener, and have been late to every appointment, double booked myself (twice!) and procrastinated on every project. And not on purpose. It’s like I just CAN’T get it together! And I always forget to lock doors. My husband is always reminding me that I left the door unlocked. My forgetfulness is becoming a safety issue! When I left the doctor’s office that day I was angry (I still am). Why didn’t I just show him the inside of my purse or a picture of my messy house? or explain to him how I struggle with keeping routine and structure in our homeschool? Or just tell him the IRONY of leaving my symptom list at home in a place I didn’t even remember carrying it to! I have another appointment in January to see how the anxiety meds are working. I’m going to make more lists… one will have how I was affected by ADHD in school and over time. he felt like my list proved I have OCD. I feel like it’s a coping mechanism to compensate for my forgetfulness.
Was this a General Practitioner? Because if I were you I would look into a Psychologist. They have the ability to prescribe meds and a much better understanding of neuro developmental disorders.
I say this because I’m in your same boat, my 8 year old was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago and has been on meds almost as long. In my research I found that I am where he got it from, although my pediatrician diagnosed me with it as a child my mom decided meds were not what she wanted and just made sure I got my energy out other ways, but now as an adult with 3 kids and a full time job I’m in need of more help then my developed coping mechanisms.
Also if you need to vent it’s good to have someone empathetic and or someone who also has a diagnosis that understands what your going through. ?
It’s easy to mix the two up, but a psychologist cannot prescribe medication. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor who specializes is mental health and can prescribe. The easiest way to tell is that a psychologist will usually have PhD after their name and a Psychiatrist will be an MD.
So, even though I’m a licensed therapist, I can’t tell you whether or not you have ADHD. (I know you know that, but gotta say it anyway). But, with that out of the way, you are describing a lot of ADHD behaviors and a lot of the things I’ve done myself that led to my diagnosis. Primary care physicians aren’t strong on mental health diagnoses, treatments, etc…Telling you that you can’t have ADHD because you finished college is completely wrong and tells me he doesn’t know much about ADHD. And OCD? OCD has nothing to do with forgetting things. It’s more of an irrational and overwhelming fear that if you don’t do things just so or think things just so that something terrible will happen. It is very, very much anxiety based, unrelated to forgetting or losing. A friend in college had OCD…she was late to her own wedding because she spent 2 hours unable to get out of the shower–every time she had “bad” thought she had to re-do whatever she was doing when the thought happened because she was afraid if she didn’t, something terrible would happen. That’s OCD. ADHD is I have to go back in for the 10th time to make sure I actually turned the water off because yesterday I thought I turned it off and didn’t and now my house is flooded… That’s a lot to say, at the very least, your primary care told you some inaccurate information. Look for a provider who specializes in Adult ADHD or is open about having ADHD themselves.
That’s beautiful advice!
My anxiety meds made me (unknown at that point) muh much worse as those types of meds generally work on your seratonin levels (99% of the time) while what most ADHDers need is to balance our dopamine. This is a common strategy by non ADHD aware doctors. See if you can find a specialist in ADHD & get an appointment as soon as possible. Best wises x
Find a new doctor!
Thank you, diagnosed at age 37 this year. “LD” as a teen but managed to graduate with honors from college and become a school psychologist…post masters degree. After kids my overwhelm took over and I was treated for anxiety for years. Finally I realized on my own I could have adhd with my brother and son having it! And now on the right track 🙂
But doctors miss it in women, even specialists!
Yes they do! It takes courage to educate and inform them. I’m so glad you found your answers!
I was diagnosed in my late 30s, after reading posts like this and putting the dots together. I have finished college and graduate school despite seemingly majoring in procrastination and panicky late nights writing papers I hadn’t started until right then. It wasn’t until after the birth of my twins, being a stay-at-home mom trying to manage all that a new parent has to do, that I realized I needed help. I see myself in so much of what you wrote, the perfectionism, glimmers of OCD, the anxiety and overwhelm. When I hyperfocus I am unstoppable, but if something doesn’t interest me it almost takes an act of God to get me to complete it. There is so much misunderstanding even within the medical community about what ADHD looks like in women. My own children’s pediatrician sounded doubtful I have ADHD because I have a graduate degree. The more that we can talk about this, the better. I’m glad I found your post.
Yes. It DOES take an act of God. I’m currently avoiding notes that I’m a couple weeks behind on but I’ve been cranking out blog posts and pinning them to pinterest ?
You’re right, the more we talk about it, the more we brave the people who (in ignorance) don’t believe we exist, the more impact we have for others who are still undiagnosed. It takes vulnerability to talk about these things (especially if the challenges they’ve cause have led to hurt, shame, or alienation from others). Facing that, is Courage at it’s finest. Thank you for reading and for commenting!
I very recently (about 6 weeks ago) figured out I most likely have ADD. I’m almost 60 and have had depression my entire life and recently, after a few years of therapy started allowing me to feel my feelings, have started having anxiety, too (fun, fun.) I had never used medication for anything, but finally asked my primary care doctor for anti-depressants after the therapy alone didn’t really resolve my depression. (the way my depression primarily manifested was waking up every morning with a feeling of dread about the day I had to get through.) I tried a couple of different anti-depressants and in order to feel like they were helping, I had to take a high enough dose that I was basically flattened out and didn’t care about anything. So, this past year has been super stressful and overwhelming (even more so than normal) and I started binge eating. I have always struggled with my weight, but also have always managed to rein it in, but this time that wasn’t happening. On my next visit with my doctor, I asked her what I could do and she put me on a drug that is approved both for binge eating and ADHD. The FIRST DAY I was on the drug, I quit feeling depressed. I stayed on the anti-depressant about another week, but then quit it and have only been on the ADD med since. Things are not suddenly perfect–I have lived with this for almost 60 years after all–but, they are SO MUCH better. Still adjusting, looking forward to learning more. Glad I found this space.
Hi Susan! Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so glad you discovered what you needed! This is why I wrote this piece…because when we find out what is really going on, it can make a world of difference and people are still so very in the dark about ADHD, especially as it relates to women. And you’re right, getting treated for ADHD doesn’t just magically make everything better–I’m still behind on my notes for work, I’m just a week or two behind as opposed to months behind–it does, however, drastically improve it. I’ve been experimenting with behavioral supports that can help manage the gaps here. I’m hoping for a post on that in the semi near future!
And I’m really glad you found this space too! Really happy you are here 🙂
This explains me to a T! I told my psychologist I thought I was adhd. He said I wouldn’t be able to sit still and have a conversation with him so I can’t be. From reading your article I am more convinced than ever that I am but doubt there will be any professionals near me who have the necessary insight. What to do!? Best, Vee
It’s really frustrating when professionals don’t know what they are talking about. It can be really hard to keep pushing on and trying to find someone that understands but that’s really what we have to do. I’m still working on a resource to help with diagnosis but in the mean time, I’ve had success googling “ADHD specialists” and then looking for someone that has information on their website that looks like they know more about it than your average bear. Then call and ask questions like “how often do you identify or treat adults with ADHD?” Sometimes it’s helpful to widen your scope. If it’s really ADHD wouldn’t getting the right treatment be worth a longer drive to get the diagnosis? Keep in mind too, ADHD overlaps symptoms with several other disorders and can be challenging to tease apart. For more, check out part two of ADHD symtoms. There’s more info that may help you in your search for discovery.
This post is me 100%. I have been diagnosed by my psychiatrist, and being treated for ADHD, depression, and anxiety.
However, I have the hardest time with the willpower to wake up in the morning without some threat that I am responsible to someone, but I will only get up in time to barely get ready.
I have a consult with a sleep clinic next week.
I have also tried a shock watch alarm on my wrist, but I end up laying there fading in and out of sleep while it shocks me. It does wake my mind, but my body and eyes/face are still fatigued.
Has anyone else experienced this?
I am 34 years old and was diagnosed just over a year ago. I’ve learned it’s something I’ve had since childhood, but it took my symptoms getting worse after having my third child before I finally knew it was bad enough I had to get over my fear of talking about it to my doctor.
I think I learned to cope with it over the years by eating sugar, carbs, and hyper-focusing on TV when I’d get home from anything. I have gotten and still do sometimes very irritable in the evenings, after a long day at work, making snappy comments to my husband and kids. I get overwhelmed/overstimulated by all the commotion.
My husband doesn’t fully understand, but he’s trying and along with individual therapy for myself, DH and I are also seeing a marriage therapist to help us work through all of this.
Any tips for improving with food choices so I can be healthier (pre-diabetic mostly because of genetics, but I could lose a good 45 pounds), and sleeping to wake up refreshed.
Sorry this is so long. I feel very alone in this and everyone only seems to be concerned about the meds that I’m on, but they actually help.
**sigh** ?
Hopefully your sleep study will help get to the bottom of this! Sometimes it’s helpful to put a really loud alarm on the other side of the room. One that forces you to get up to go turn it off. Maybe even a few that go off back to back so you don’t have time to dose off if you try to get back in the bed. For me, I have dogs and when it’s time to wake up, they start whining and I’m always worried they will go to the bathroom in the house and I’ll have to clean it up. Plus, I have a hound who is really persistent and won’t stop whining. If I don’t get up, he progresses to barking. Hounds are loud :/ As far as food choices, I think that’s a whole other post because the answer is pretty long. The biggest thing is getting a decent amount of protein and fiber. I’m not a fan of avoiding carbs for a variety of reasons but with ADHD, focusing more on protein and fiber and less on carbs and sugar is usually helpful. And with pre-diabetes, I have a feeling limiting your carbs is a really important part. I’d talk to a dietition–I know some about food but it’s not my specialty whereas it IS theirs 😉
Thank you for this article. In my heart I’ve known for quite some time (10 years) that I’ve have either depression and anxiety but now I strongly feel it’s ADHD. You’ve described me to the letter but as an educated woman who is an educator, it’s akways been something I’ve swept under the rug. Topics like these are taboo in my family so I’ve never felt like I’ve had a safe outlet to express my symptoms. Your article has encouraged me to take the first step and seek help, even if it’s just talking to a therapist. I have a son to think about now and there are just certain behaviors I don’t want to expose him to. Thank you.
Jameela, You are AWESOME! I respect the courage that it takes to stand up and do what’s best for you and your son even though it comes with discomfort from not following the way you were raised around this topic. You rock and thank you for your courage! Courage is contagious and we’re all the better for you expressing yours!
Thank you so much for this post.. I was diagnosed years ago with denial of having it …
This is me. I was diagnosed with add last year (just 1 point short of the h though). I was treated for a form of social anxiety. Eventually they asked me if I ever got asked to be tested for adhd. I’ve never felt so much relieve in my life. I was my own worst critic and did not understand why I couldn’t organize my household, my head, my thoughts etc. I always felt different, thought I was dumb (even with a bachelor’s degree) lazy, worthless. I did not understand how I could work a part time job next to a fulltime study, keep up good grades, but could not pick up the darn vacuum cleaner. Now I know. It’s not an excuse, but it’s a reason for me not to be so hard on myself all the time. What you have with the oven, I’ve got with the car and door. Forgetting if I locked it or not, checking but spacing out so I have to check again. Walking a few metres and going back again cause I forgot if I locked it or not. Wandering thoughts all the time. Missing parts off a conversation because they say something which relates to something else in my brain which links to another memory and poof I’m out. Never able to fall a sleep, like now. So many things you mention I can totally relate. In the beginning I read every word, later on I started skipping and scanning again haha. But thank you, it really helps.
Hehe! I’m a constant scanner myself! It’s gotten me into trouble a few times ?
You are so welcome. Do you mean they said you didn’t have it OR they said you did have ADHD but you were in denial of it?
I have ADD, got the diagnoses last year. (thought I put it in there, but probably not and language barrier and all haha) I was one of the “lucky ones” who got an anxiety disorder due to the fact of untreated adhd/add. So when the edge was off, they asked if I wanted to get tested. At first I didn’t, because it absolutely did not register that that could be the case. But now I know and that’s a relieve. I’m still my own worst critic but it’s getting better.
When I was younger they diagnosed some other things, while now it was probably the ADD. I was a quiet kid, but in girls it’s harder to diagnose due to the fact that most of the time we do not run around the same tree 200 times. So when we get older we develop coping skills, which can lead to/create/trigger other disorders, because it’s not the correct way to handle the bump in the road.
This is one of the best articles I have read about describing so many of the symptoms I’ve lived with with ADHD (and why it took a solid 18 months of very frequent psychiatric sessions to drill past the depression to anxiety, and past the anxiety to a major root cause of ADHD). I was diagnosed at 40. Seven years on, I am still trying to get the strands of treatment in place (yes, the medication helps a bit, but there is a lot more that can make life better, like having better systems in place to take pressure off remembering everything, and healthy diets, exercise, journalling and having a plan to give focus and interest to life). But I’m finding these all need to come progressively. And the most recent breakthrough was a realisation about rebuilding my self esteem enough to validate my worth to start to put these other elements in place. Plus it’s helping me with my main relationships and social anxiety (which is likely to always be there a bit, but can improve). Allowing yourself time is so very important. And finding others with similar experiences – like others, it’s so good not to feel alone with this (and the weighted blanket has been a revelation – it explains why I always need a blanket to sleep, even on the hottest of nights) x
I’m so glad they found it for you! I hate that it took so long. I have a dream that one day (yes, this might be sounding dramatic here), health professionals won’t be so in the dark about ADHD and it won’t take forever to figure it out. A good dream, I think.
My weighted blanket is still my favorite thing in the house. I sleep with it every night. We’re headed to visit family this weekend and it will be in the car with me on the way there. I love it.
Hello ,
I just read your post, I suspected I had ADHD for sometime. However it is very frustrating to me that I can not seem to get a medical professional to diagnose me . I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, anxiety, post traumatic stress syndrome and recently worked up for bipolar disorders. What can I do I have all the classic symptoms I believe I wasn’t diagnosed in childhood because I was latch key kid and neglected. Is there help out there for me?
ADHD really overlaps with other disorders and can make it really hard to tease the symptoms apart. Both PTSD and Bipolar are two of the diagnoses that can be the hardest to differential from ADHD because the symptoms can be very very similar. PTSD is treatable–I am a huge fan f a therapy called EMDR. If you are able to get the symptoms of that under control, it may help you determine (and your doctors determine) if more is going on. Because health professionals aren’t super familiar with ADHD, I recommend trying to find a doctor that is more familiar with it. It sounds like you may have a complicated presentation, if you haven’t had full psychological testing (it usually takes several days of testing), that might be a helpful place to start to differentiate between some of your symptoms to figure out what they are really coming from. This isn’t medical advice, just an idea to explore with your doctors.
What an interesting post. It gave me new insights into women’s MH issues. Thank you
Hi! I already responded on part three of your post, but for me finding the right psych with the medicine has been terrible. I do have a few auto immune diseases that make some of the medicines difficult, but I am a medically retired teacher and this unstructured time is killing me. Plus I have discovered I’m super sound sensitive, and that may be part of my 80 HD I already responded on part three of your post, but for me finding the right psych with the medicine has been terrible. I do have a few auto immune diseases that make some of the medicines difficult, but I am a medically retired teacher and this unstructured time is killing me. Plus I have discovered I’m super sound sensitive, and that may be part of my ADHD .
Please tell me you live in the Austin, Texas area and can refer a psychiatrist . ?
I admire your blog because I have been intending to start a blog for a few years now, and I think that my fear of not keeping up with it because of my ADHD has kept me from doing so !!
Unfortunately, I’m not in the Texas area. There are a few possible resources that might be helpful. In fact, in the side bar on my site is a guide to help get an accurate diagnosis and part of that is helping you learn to identify doctors that are more likely to understand ADHD. Check it out and see if it’s helpful!
Suddenly my whole world makes sense, every component of these articles is me; only mine is the garage door, rather than the stove.
I am feeling emotional and at ease at the same time.
It’s often a complicated response we feel when we come across someone who understands and when we discover information that validates our experience. I’m glad I could help with that.
I was diagnosed with adhd at 43. I’d been treated for depression and anxiety for fifteen years with little to no success and no progress. The Xanax of course helped what I thought was anxiety but it had me in a sad helpless holding pattern for the entire time. The diagnosis came after seeing symptoms in my dad then realizing I was just like him, then it just all made sense. Depression was really hopelessness at having zero faith in my ability to help myself in any aspect. Anxiety was fear at a future where I couldn’t count on my own self for basic things like shelter and security. The medication has changed my life. I am not ashamed to say it. I can see a way forward now where I couldn’t even fathom what forward was before. I go days without medication now and still see movement and progress because I know what that feels like now. I know a day will come when I no longer take the meds and I’ll be ok.
Hi Julie, I was wondering what medication your on that worked for you. Your story is exactly how I feel and what I worry about.
Hello! I am here to learn if I may be ADHD. My oldest son is and my exhusband was. I never even put ADHD as a reason to why I am why I am. Forgetfulness, unable to cope with stress, over thinking and alooooot of over talking. One thing hit me though as I read this and I am wondering if this is some thing you may have experience too…. I seem to have this problem of random face forgetting and let me explain. Say for instance you have seen someone time and time again at their place of work. Now you go somewhere and that person is at the same location but this location is not their job place. You know face but don’t know why you know the face. They come and talk your ear off but your too embarrassed to say why you don’t know them even though you do but dont know how because you have never seen them outside their job so they don’t match your surroundings. Make sense? No? Or just me? Lol
Hi, this sounds like “face blindness” (it’s medical name is prosopagnosia) – my husband has this.
Oh my goodness! I feel like you were writing about my life! I have struggled with mental health issues my entire life… I worked a high stress, 60+ hour a week accounting job with 3 kids and nearly lost my mind- I knew something was wrong- that it wasn’t “normal” that I couldn’t function if I wasn’t hyper focused at work- but nobody could give me an answer. My youngest son is intense. Not hyper but doesn’t understand boundaries, can’t listen, struggles with learning (but can memorize a song the first time he hears it) and never stops talking. Researching what was going on with him I realized why I was struggling. I talked to my dr. And she immediately responded with “Yes, of course you are”! My husband is definitely adhd as well but he denies it (he wanders off when cooking breakfast 3 times a week- he has even left to take the dog for a walk). I’m always jealous of people with “easy” kids but my grandma says “you don’t breed two thoroughbreds and get a ploughing horse” sigh.
I’m so glad your doctor was able to spot it with you! I don’t have kids yet but I’m fully expecting a similar struggle. Hubby isn’t ADHD per say but definitely has some strong tendencies himself so….Little Miss Lionheart will hopefully be able to bring some helpful stuff when and if that one happens ?
I discovered this about myself a few months ago, and while I’m still undiagnosed and untreated, I’m working to find ways to handle it. I have an intermittent counselor who agrees with me, so I’m scheduling an appointment to discuss it with my doctor. If he blows me off, I’ll find another doctor to evaluate me.
Absolutely! I love your strength–it’s often exactly the thing to help us get what we need. If you struggle with your doctor, make sure you check out my Guide for Getting an Accurate ADHD diagnosis. It goes through finding a doctor that’s more knowledgeable, a scoring guide to identify symptoms, and research you can present to your doctor if they seem to be caught up in some mythology about ADHD (unfortunately many still think you can’t have it if you can sit still). Hope that helps!
I was diagnosed at the age of 6, i have been struggling for years. I just recently diagnosed with anxiety its triggered easily. I never,knew the two can go hand in hand and or adhd actually be the reason for all my,issues.
Absolutely! A lot of people don’t realize how they can go hand in hand. I certainly didn’t before I was diagnosed and treated. I actually wrote a more comprehensive, definitive guide on ADHD and anxiety. Make sure you check that one out too!
I just came across this right when I needed it. About three years ago my psychiatrist told me that he thought I had ADHD as well as depression and anxiety. I told him that I didn’t believe him. He said, “That’s fine. If you want to talk about it at some point, then you know where I’m at.”
For the past year I have had this idea that he just might be right. I guess I didn’t think so originally because I have never had typical symptoms that I associate with ADHD. ADD maybe, but reading this makes me realize that at my next appointment I probably need to explore this further with my doctor. All this time I thought it was just me. The symptoms you listed above describe me perfectly. Thank you for writing this!
You are so welcome! I’m glad to help facilitate a way to understand yourself better. Coming to the truth of our struggles can be life altering–it was for me! I’m glad you found me and thank you for commenting. Hearing things like this keep me going 🙂
Oh my word!! I checked a mental yes to everything you listed!! I am 55 and feel like I have lived my whole life in a constant state of trying to get my s!!t together, and never can…
It’s so tough trying to constantly hold everything together and feel like it just isn’t happening and you’re not even sure where the break down is occurring. Please stick around the blog. My goal is to create the resources that women like you (and me) need to build the life we want. I’m glad you’re here!
I struggle so much with my ADHD. My self esteem has taken the biggest hit and I start to push people away. I’m at a loss. I do medicate but I struggle so much with mood and emotions. I feel at times my life is a waste. I’m exhausted. I can’t get my brain to shut off and my ability to regulate my responses crap. I have sensory processing issues as well and I feel so overwhelmed by everything around me.
This article nailed it for me. It describes everything so perfectly. I need to find someone to talk to.
Finding a therapist that feels like a good fit is invaluable. I see one regularly and I recommend it to anyone and everyone. It sounds like you’re struggle has you weighed down and you could use someone to come alongside you and help you find your way from underneath it all. If you’re in the US, I usually find therapists through Psychology Today. I hope you find someone who’s exactly what you need. If you need some extra support and community, join us at That ADHD life For Women Facebook group. We’d love to have you.
I actually laughed out loud because I relate to all of these so much, especially your story about the stove. I had to turn around recently on my way to work because I couldn’t remember if I unplugged my curling iron (I did). Then I got home went to check on the curling iron, went and got back in my car, then realized I didn’t actually pay attention to if the iron was unplugged. Needless to say, I was about a half an hour late to work because of the whole thing. I really appreciate your honesty about your own experiences. It’s always comforting to know that I’m not alone and other women have the same difficulties as a result of their adhd that I do. Thank you!
It is comforting to know that it’s not just us and it doesn’t mean anything bad about us (because it can feel like it sometimes). Community is huge! That’s why I started the “That ADHD Life for Women” facebook group. We’d love to have you (and anyone else needing some community around ADHD). Hope to see you there!
Oh my gosh! I just stumbled on your blog through a pinterest post. Pinterest is so perfect for an ADHD person isn’t it? You end up going down so many rabbit holes and wondering why you need to know how to make a tea cozy out of recycled aluminum foil?
Anyway, I was not really diagnosed with ADHD. Both of my daughters have ADHD in different forms – one is the unfocused dreamer and the other was a bookcase climber. As they were growing up, I started to recognize the symptoms in myself and had a conversation with my family doctor. He was also their doctor (and ADHD himself) and was willing to prescribe medication for me. I was in my 40s. I look back at my life and see so many experiences that were a direct result of ADHD that was not diagnosed. When I was a child, ADHD was the diagnosis for the children who banged their head on their crib (like my cousin) or were out of control in the classroom. My husband also has it and was not diagnosed until his 30s.
One thing I have not seen you mention is the sense of mourning experienced by adults who are diagnosed later in life. You look back at all of those events in life and mourn what could have been. I mean, could I have actually been accepted into the sorority I tried for in college if I wasn’t so socially awkward at the time?
I just wanted to add my comments and thank you for this blog. I have already sent my daughters a text to look for it!
Hi Teri! I’m so glad you found me 🙂
You’re right; many adults who are diagnosed later in life have a hard time with the realization of the ways it has impacted their lives. I haven’t written much about that yet but I’ll keep that little tid bit in mind when I’m planning upcoming content 😉
Welcome! If you have facebook, I hope you will join the community at That ADHD Life for Women
When I went first time to get a diagnosis I was told that the fact that I had been able to write a list means I don’t have adhd! The fact that I had to put it in my bag two days before because I would probably forget it didn’t sway him.
I tried again after ten years of antidepressants (that pulverized my brain even more) and was told, no, I have depression. I certainly did, my son having died not twelve months earlier.
I have given up trying to get diagnosed because I manage and don’t have a high stress life lately. Plus I’m sixty. It is even more difficult after a certain age.
That is so frustrating, Belinda. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve experienced such ignorance and it’s hindered you from getting the help that you need. I know you’ve said that you’ve given up but if for any reason you change your mind or would be interested in a great assessment, I JUST got an email that Dr. Hallowell (renowned ADHD expert) is looking for women who think they may have ADHD but have not been diagnosed for a documentary he’s filming. If you don’t mind being filmed, it comes with a free evaluation done by Dr. Hallowell, which is pretty exciting since he knows what the heck he’s talking about. If you decide you might be interested in trying again, you can check it out his website here.
I hate that you’ve had such a hard time being taken seriously and I hope this helps in some way.
Thanks so much Tia. I will look into it. I’m in Australia though. Not sure where you are?
Eh, I’m in the US. Some of it may still be helpful, hopefully 🙂
This is me! My eldest son has ADHD and I have been wondering for the past year or so if I have it too.
I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression at 13. Put on antidepressants at 17 and still on them now at nearly 35. I have mentioned it to my GP but she dismissed it saying a diagnosis wouldn’t change anything and it’s a long wait to get evaluated here in the UK.
Uhg! Drives me crazy when doctors say that a diagnosis won’t change anything. It’s often related to their thinking that ADHD doesn’t have anything to do with challenges outside of school which is completely bogus. I hate that you’ve got such a long wait and primary that may have some misconceptions. It IS worth the diagnosis because the right treatment DOES change things. Good luck to you, Mama! I hope very much that you get the care you need!
This is the first thing I’ve read on your blog and I can’t thank you enough for posting it! I got a diagnosis last year at 29 and it was like a breath of fresh air. Like all the sudden I felt like maybe I’m not just lazy and spacey and stupid. It was a revelation. I try to educate pretty much everybody I meet about ADHD in adults and especially women. I never realized how few doctors really understand what it looks like in adult and especially women. I was so fortunate that I stumbled across a psychiatrist that was especially familiar. It saved my life.
I’m so glad you had someone knowledgeable! It makes a world of difference, doesn’t it?
Also, I’m glad you found me!
Hi Tia! I am one of those 29 year olds that has not been diagnosed with anxiety, but I know it’s ADHD from all the research I’ve done. Can you help me find the right doctors?
Hi Chelsh! I wrote a guide that you can find in the side bar that should help! Look for the orange picture that says “Everything you need to get a good ADHD assessment”
I was diagnosed with ADD a few years ago. I am now 34 and after I was diagnosed, I wasn’t taken off of anti-depressants. Over the years, my ADD medication helps wonderfully with concentration, getting things accomplished rather than half-done and so much more but I feel like my anxiety/depression have gotten worse. How do you feel about being treated for both together as an adult?
Hi Tricia! Many people are treated for both, successfully. It can definitely be done. Might be a good idea to talk to your doctor about the idea 🙂
Just wanted to add another thank you. I’m 24 years old. I thought a couple years ago that I had some symptoms of ADHD, but never followed up on it because others told me it was a made up disorder. I read this article to my husband today, and he realizes that I have every single symptom to the nth degree, and that it explains so much. I thought maybe I had legitimate memory problems, that I would end up with early onset dementia or Alzheimer’s. Everything in life seems overwhelming, and no matter how much work I put into it, I can never get a handle on it. I thought it was anxiety and depression, but I couldn’t put a finger on why I was depressed. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. My husband has always been super patient with me, but now he knows how to better help me and figure me out. I can’t thank you enough. Excited to read through your articles to find more information!
Hi Kendra!
I’m sooooooo glad to be helpful! Your comment made me so happy. Thank YOU!
Thank you so much- I used the guild lines to get diagnosed at 44. Felt amazing the first month on adderall. Second month anxiety is worse but adhd looking good. My next appt is approaching, do I need a higher dose?
Hi Nic! I’m glad you were able to get a good assessment! That’s awesome to hear. As far as your medication needs, that’s a really nuanced topic that only you and your doctor can decide. It sounds like you found a knowledgeable doctor, though, so that sounds like a good question for him/her! I’d tell them exactly what you said here: that it was great the first month, second month, it’s had more anxiety and you’re curious if you need a higher dose or another strategy.
Good luck!
OMG. The woman in your article is me! I am 53 years old and only a month ago professionally diagnosed with ADD (despite my ADHD husband-to-be suggesting I get assessed the first week we met, 11 years ago). I have started medication and could cry that I didn’t do this sooner, it has made such a huge difference. I’m also going to see a specialist about my food issues which are lifelong and sensory-based in origin (imagine a food fussy 3-year old that never outgrew being fussy). I try not to beat myself up too much since the psychologists I sought help from at the time were quick to say it was anxiety (but the meds never helped). If you recognise yourself in the article and comments, please don’t procrastinate! Get professionally assessed and try the meds. Your only regret will be not doing it earlier.
Hi Merynne! It’s funny how we sometimes fear or put off things that we are uncomfortable or unsure of but when we are able to move through the discomfort and do it anyway, we’re often really glad we did. I’m happy to hear that you were able to get to the root of it. Definitely don’t beat yourself up–you can only do the best you can with the information that you have at the time that you have it. Once you had the information that you needed, you were able to get on the right path. So glad you found it!
I’m 31 and I was diagnosed a little over a year ago. I felt as if the diagnosis gave me a map and a flashlight to the territory of my brain that I previously had been stumbling about in without guidance or means to make sense of everything. However, as soon as I started taking my medication for ADHD it was as if the lights were turned on. I believe my ADHD has helped me through a lot of bad times, and I really wouldn’t want to be without it, but finally being able to do all the things I’ve always wanted has been such a relief.
I really like your blog. You’re doing some wonderful work in rationalizing and explaining the condition – much better than I could ever do. Thank you for helping me explain my struggles to my neurotypical friends and family members!
Hi Bexi! I’m so happy that I’m able to help with that. It can be hard to help our loved ones understand why we do the things we do and also really helpful when they get it. I’m glad I can help facilitate that process!
I have the exact same problems. But the biggest thing that I am currently experiencing is my lack of ability to pay attention during conversations. My social anxiety stems from inattentiveness while interacting with people. I cannot, for the life of me, pay attention when talking to another individual. This in turn, makes me look and feel stupid sometimes. And because of my lack focus, I typically have really bad memory. I have just recently found out that I have adhd. But I have suffered from shyness, depression and anxiety my whole life. Now, I’ve been a huge proponent with meditation and mindfulness because it has helped focus a little bit more towards my external environment. But I know I still need a lot of work in order to fully manage my adhd.
Hi Ray! Totally get that. I certainly still tend to me shy even on ADHD meds but it’s a little better. I’ve heard of other people who the social anxiety and shyness totally resolved with ADHD treatment. Though, you’re on to something, it does take a lot of work to fully manage ADHD. I think as we experiment and find things that work for us, it gets easier but it definitely takes time.
This is FASCINATING. While I have high anxiety in general (fear), reading this tells me there may be more to this. Your description of the oven stands out. 😀
Thank you for this, such great information!
Hi Sam, so glad to be helpful! The oven has been a bit of an issue for me ? Along with losing my dang phone ? Hehe
Thank you for the article. I already knew I was ADHD and mostly I am conflict shy, have social anxiety, am messy and always feel like I’m forgetting something important or procrastinating because I usually am. I thought being an INFP and Vata dominate dosha but maybe a lot of it is all the same thing. I will look for your other article. I am 57 years old and have fibromyalgia as well and had to move to ecuador where I feel rather dumb for not knowing spanish. I think I can use all the help I can get.
Hi Suzie, I’m so glad you’re here. I think women with ADHD who are also INFP, INFJ, or really IN… in general are probably more likely to relate to this article than ladies with a higher Extroversion expression. I’m an INFJ myself, very low J though–bordering P. ADHD interacts with your personality to determine how to express symptoms. Nothing dumb about not already knowing another language! ?
I just turned 50!!! just prior to my Bday I had a Neuropsychological exam, Good news Bad news. Good news is I have an IQ that puts me at a Gifted/Superior level of intelligence, Bad news is I have full blown ADD. My mind is blown and my emotions are everywhere. this entire blog post is ME!!! I’m lost and afraid, overwhelmed and pissed, relieved and shocked…
Hi Jen! It’s a whirlwind to find out that the struggles you’ve had are the result of ADHD. Full of all those complicated emotions you just mentioned. I’ve found that in time, one can adjust and learn to work with the cards they have. Then it’s a little less scary and overwhelming. And the more we surround ourselves with others who can related and educate ourselves on what we’re working with, the better we are able to adjust. So, I’m glad you are here!
I found it interesting that you said that ADHD can’t be cure just with medication, but you also need to talk about it to solve the issues. I found out that sometimes is hard to understand my sister because she weirdly changes moods. I’m going to talk to her about finding a place to talk about everything that bothers her.
Hi Ron! No one thing really “cures” ADHD. Meds are super helpful in getting us on a level playing field but then we have to learn the skills that we lack. Meds don’t give us the skills to organize, plan, etc…they just make it easier for us to learn those skills. Often, those of us with ADHD have learned some negative thinking styles as a result of the difficulties we’ve faced and therapy can be really helpful for that. Hope that’s helpful!
Hey there! I absolutely adore this article. I’m a Psych Nurse Practitioner and I wish more people knew this information. My future husband struggles with these symptoms and I’ve been telling him for awhile that it’s ADHD. I sent him this article and he was like.. WOW. It’s me.
Do you have a similar article that isn’t just geared towards women?
Thank you!
I recently sought help for what I thought was anxiety, and after 4 months on mild meds and no improvement I was losing hope. a conversation came up last night that pushed me to research add/adhd & anxiety and i found this. i could have written this myself with little editing. I took the quiz you offered and will without a doubt mention this to my dr. thank you for putting this out there.
I’m 34, active duty military for 17 years now and just had my 3rd kiddo.. experienced post-partum depression, and everything in my life just started falling apart. Couldn’t focus at home, at work, everything felt so wonky and haphazard…I thought I was losing it… reading your article explained EXACTLY everything going on. It has given me a glimmer of hope (I was diagnosed when I was 14, but not much was known back then and I’ve never thought of it since). Now I’m focused on my 13 year old, who was diagnosed with ADHD, and not wanting her to go down the same worrisome path I have… thank you SO VERY MUCH for this article.
I can’t begin to explain how thankful I am that you wrote this! This explains me exactly! Seriously, I started to cry when reading it because I’ve begun to feel crazy with this ADHD stuff. I first noticed when my daughter was diagnosed. I was tested but was told I dont have ADHD but have ADHD symptoms…confusing right!? I struggle at my job because of these symptoms. I plan to look at all the links you shared and pray that I will get some help. Thank you again.
I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD after years of thinking I had depression/anxiety.
Everything you wrote in this post seems to be my life story. A hot mess express!
I am having trouble finding the right medication, I’m not sure how I should feel, I don’t know if it’s working, and I get stressed/overwhelmed trying to talk to my doctor because I don’t want to sound crazy. He had me make notes last time he switched me medicine but I have already forgotten to write things down that I have noticed.
How do I know of my medication is working correctly.
I have a hard time paying attention to things. Been looking up resources and tips online. Very good read. Thank you for this.
I can completely relate here. I was only diagnosed at 20 years old, before that I was able to ‘float’, mostly my grades were ok, I graduated high school somehow because I didn’t ever even have a notebook.. I always heard that I’m lazy, ‘you can but you don’t want to’.. my room was always a total mess.
I never thought I can do anything important.
Then I got diagnosed and started therapy.. I just graduated med school last November, cum laude, and it has been the first thing in my life I completed start to finish despite all the struggles. Knowing I have an actual condition that causes my ‘laziness’ and procrastination.. that my brain thinks in a different way- and the medication helped me know it may take me more time- but I CAN do it.
It’s like you’re a fly on the wall inside my brain! When my son was diagnosed 10 years ago, I underwent a screening that suggested I also have ADHD, and everything just clicked. But I prided myself on having “managed” it on my own. I am now 52 and see how leaving it untreated as held me back in so many ways. You’ve inspired me to seek for myself the help I’ve fought tooth & nail to find for my son. Thank you for this incredibly insightful information and for sharing your ecperience!
This is all me to a T, and this blog has the words I needs to teach myself and the loved ones around me what I’ve been workin with the last 32 years. Diagnosed a couple weeks ago. Haven’t pin pointed a relief regimen yet, but now I have direction and it feels like a breath of fresh air. Thank you. 🙂
I feel seen. I almost NEVER have anyone but my mom come to my house as she’s had the probably not so pleasant experience of living with three ADHD’ers for at least most of my life. It’s so important to have a dr that gets it and you are so right in saying that it’s hard to find. Thank you so much for writing this.
You have described me to a T plus more!
What medication did they place you on?
My doctor sucks about giving medication other than antidepressants! Uggg
I just unexpectedly was diagnosed today. I have such a long path that I have been on to this point. The story events of how I became diagnosed today are giving me so many emotions. Discovering this unexpected puzzle piece that came out of nowhere has already opened a new chapter in my life. I have no knowledge about adhd. I don’t know what to expect in the near future. All I know is that I have this answer that fits multiple questions in my life. I enjoyed this article and look forward to learning more.